During my many seasons of waiting, I’ve felt all the emotions: anger, frustration, hope, despair, loneliness, sadness.
Every time I spend fruitless hours worrying about what I’m doing wrong, researching what else I could do to hurry things along.
Every time I have learned that waiting on God is a humbling experience.
Recently I wrote about a personal struggle with insecurities during this particular season of waiting. It’s an ongoing battle against feelings that I am not enough, that if only I could do better or be greater, then a birth mom would surely choose me.
And you know what? In the midst of this constant struggle to stay anchored in God’s truths about who He says I am, it occurred to me how ironic it is that I’m struggling with it at all, considering my attitude when we started down this road.
In the beginning...
When we started working with our adoption consultants at Faithful Adoption Consultants earlier this year, I had zero insecurities about our adoption plans. I was so confident that private adoption was the next right step for our family that I had no hesitation diving in.
We were told that it could take about 12 weeks to get all of our paperwork completed, submitted, and approved. We finished in 9 weeks, and it would have been sooner if we hadn’t met roadblocks with COVID shut downs. We were officially approved the first week in July, and I declared my goal was to have a baby in my arms by Halloween so I could make a tiny baby costume. (I was only sort-of kidding. I started making a Pinterest board.)
I was truly confident we’d be matched in no time. I created a beautiful profile book to showcase our incredible family, big back yard, and two cute kids ready for another sibling. I wrote heartfelt messages about our motivation to adopt and our cherished experiences connecting with biological families through foster care. And we’re both teachers, for goodness sake! What’s not to love about us?
Once again, my plan was all about me. And once again, my plan did not go as planned.
Halloween came and went. So did Thanksgiving. Now Christmas is knocking on our door, and still no baby. My bubble has been burst, my horn is out of tune, and the umbrellas are out at my parade. I don’t feel like such an entitled rock star anymore.
I have traveled from one end of the spectrum to the other: from “I am so awesome” to “I am not enough”. They appear vastly different, but really they stem from the same heart issue:
Whether I think I can do it all on my own, or I think I can’t do it at all, I’m focusing on the wrong thing: ME. But it’s not about me. It’s not about what I can or can’t do. God has called me for HIS purpose, not mine. It’s about working out His plan, in His timing, for His glory, not mine.
This passage hit me like a brick when I read it last week. Its focus is God’s gift of grace, that we are saved through His grace alone, so that no one may boast. While this is an immensely important message–perhaps the most important message of all!–the lesson in boasting can be applied to other situations as well.
I am guilty of boasting. Boasting is thinking highly of yourself, having excessive pride in your achievements or abilities. But what do I have to boast about that truly matters? Do you think God cares that I was able to finish the adoption paperwork faster than some other families? Nope. It’s not going to hurry Him along. Does God care about the perfect font I painstakingly chose for our profile book? Nope. It’s not going to change His plan.
Wallowing in “I am not enough” comes from the same heart issue as boasting: you’re still focused on what YOU can or can’t do, not what God can do THROUGH you. God has been working on my heart for years leading up to this, preparing me for what is to come. The bottom line is this: Do you trust more in your own abilities and plans, or God’s?
God has proven time and again if I just trust in Him, just do the next right thing while I wait for Him, the results will be better than I could have asked for. I just have to look at my kids and remember the years, the dollars, the physical and emotional toils it took to get them here for proof of His gifts given with love.
God’s long-ago message to the prophet Habakkuk reassures me today:
Isn’t it thrilling to anticipate being utterly amazed by God’s gifts?! Instead of being weary in the wait, be excited for what is to come! This adoption, whenever it happens, will be a gift from God. It’s not because of what I have done, it’s not because I am an awesome writer/designer/teacher/mother/wife/whatever. It will happen because God has called me to it, prepared me for it, and created a situation where the blessing to my family will also bless others and bring glory to Him.
Do I have to keep doing my part? Yes. I shouldn’t just sit and do nothing while I wait. I have to do practical things like keep our paperwork current. I still need to prayerfully consider each case that comes our way, and pray for wisdom in each letter I write. But any greatness I am boastful enough to think I possess won’t hurry this along, either. Trying to get ahead of God never works out.
Waiting isn’t easy, and it isn’t always fun, but in every season of waiting there are valuable lessons to be learned. I’ve learned to trust God. I’ve learned to listen. I’ve gained patience and strength. I’ve felt peace that surpasses all understanding. I’ve learned about priorities. I’ve learned to let go of control — well, okay, I’m still working on that one…
Maybe in this season of waiting, God is trying to teach me humility. Waiting on God is a humbling experience, but one that is worth its weight in love, growth, and glory for His kingdom. So watch, and get ready to be utterly amazed!
