Have you every felt annoyed at everyone, by everything?
Maybe you don’t know why, maybe the things that irritate you don’t even make sense, but you can’t shake the feeling of anger that sinks around you like a heavy, dark cloud.
Example of irrational anger: After a busy weekend where we didn’t find time to do grocery shopping, Monday night hubby volunteered to go to Kroger after the kids were in bed so I wouldn’t have to go after work the next day. He had already worked about ten hours that day, and had to be back at work at 5AM the next morning, but instead of collapsing on the couch for some well-deserved downtime, he asked me if the shared grocery list on our app was ready.
I was FURIOUS.
I stopped what I was doing to check the grocery list (not so graciously), and after he left I sat and stared at the wall for a while. What was the matter with me? I’m mad at my husband for willingly taking a big task off my plate? I’m so thankful for a husband who carries equal weight in caring for our children and our home. He never thinks anything isn’t his job just because he’s a dude. And if there are tasks that he doesn’t do, it’s not because he isn’t willing but because I probably won’t let go of my control on that thing.
I realized this wasn’t the first random thing that had sparked unwarranted anger lately, and I needed to figure out where it was coming from before it consumed me. So I started writing about it in my journal, and the conclusion I came to was simple:
I feel like I am not enough.
A while back I wrote about waiting with intention: how to maximize your time while waiting in order to minimize the weight of the waiting. At that point, we’d been waiting to be matched for about nine weeks, and I mentioned we’d not matched on twenty-one cases. Now it’s been almost 18 weeks, and we’ve heard no…not yet…wait…44 times.
44 times, a pregnant mom making an adoption plan
has looked at our profile and chosen another family.
44 times, we have been passed over.
44 times, we have been rejected.
44 times…feels like I am not enough.
All of this rejection has created insecurities that have seeped into other areas of my life.
I find myself searching the faces of families on social media who excitedly share they have matched or are bringing home a baby, genuinely happy for them but also wondering what they have that I don’t. Why was I not enough for that birth mom?
In the spirit of waiting with intention, I try to plan special things to do with my kids that might not be so easy once a baby is here. Only, I find myself comparing the time and energy and creativity I have to that of other moms, and conclude I am not enough and my kids are going to suffer because I am a working mom.
When hubby returns from work on a Saturday afternoon, I find myself listing all the things I did while he was gone to justify my time, as though my worth as a wife is defined by how clean our floors are.
I find myself avoiding meaningful conversations with my mom, because I don’t have the heart let her down AGAIN by telling her that we didn’t match. It’s like saying, “This mom didn’t think I am enough to be a good mom for her baby, either. I’m sorry.”
As I journaled, I realized none of the things I have been telling myself are the result of real expectations from other people. But if I am the one to say I am not enough first, then I’m back in control because I beat everyone else to the punch! The pressure to be a Pinterest-perfect mom comes from me, not my kids. My mom is only disappointed because I am disappointed, not because she thinks I am unworthy as a mother; she is always supportive and encouraging. The pressure to have a perfectly clean home plus perfectly planned and executed meal plans while working 40+ hours a week comes from me, not my husband.
Somewhere in my mind, being the “perfect” wife/mother/teacher/friend has become connected with being matched. If I could only do ____ perfectly, then the next birth mom will choose me!
It’s exhausting. And it’s so not true.
As much as I truly believe that God has chosen a baby for our family, I did not anticipate how much feelings of rejection and inadequacy would weigh on me while we wait.
Friend, if you are in a season of waiting, it’s easy to listen to the whispers that tell you “I am not enough” because the lie presents itself as a logical explanation of why something isn’t happening.
She didn’t choose me, so she must not think I am a good enough mom.
I didn’t get pregnant this month, so I must not be good enough and can’t do anything right.
The judge decided to move these sweet babies I’ve been loving as my own for the past 10 months,
so he must not think I am enough to be their mom.
These are all whispers – sometimes shouts – I’ve heard in the past. But the thing is, these words and ideas are not from God. Instead, they are Satan’s attempts to convince us we are unworthy so as to separate us from God. It’s scary how quickly they can overtake you and feel like truth.
In the case of the grocery list, I was defensive because I was mad at myself for not completing the meal plans or shopping like I’d intended. Clearly, lack of grocery shopping = failure as a human. See how crazy these lies can sound?! Yet we accept the lies as truth if our worth and our identity are rooted in the standards of this world instead of firmly planted in the truth of who God says we are.
I am God's workmanship, so I am enough. I am created in Christ Jesus, so I am enough. He has prepared me for good works in His name, so I am enough.
Quieting the whispers takes work. When I hear them, I go back to this verse to remind myself of who God says I am. Two of my favorite songs on repeat right now are You Say by Lauren Daigle and Who You Say I Am by Hillsong Worship because they speak directly to this heart issue. (Here is a great interview with Ben Fielding of Hillsong on why they wrote the song.)
I have a renewed attitude towards the cases we see. I still pray for each and every mom we learn about. I still pour my heart into the letters I write to her. I eagerly await the day we are matched, and am disappointed when I see another no…not yet….wait. But my hope, my worth, is not hung on the outcome of any one situation. My hope is in my faith that God has called us to His purpose, to grow our family through adoption while serving a loving mother and family in need.
I will continue to have faith while we wait, rejecting these feelings of inadequacy for the lies that they are, and trusting that in His time (not mine!) God will do something truly amazing for and through our family.
Because I am a daughter of the King, I am enough. And so are you.
