This year I wasn’t very motivated to choose a word of the year. In years past, I truly embraced my chosen word or phrase and intentionally grounded myself there.
Last year, my word was COMPLETE, partly because I wanted to actually finish a bunch of things I’d started. Unfortunately, my word didn’t quite provide the inspiration I was hoping for: I remain the Queen of Projects that are 90% Done.
I set a goal to complete 3 Beach Body programs. I finished ZERO.
Several house projects stayed on the list with little or no progress.
I truly believed we’d complete our adoption in 2021, but here we are, months into 2022 and are nowhere nearer to adopting than we were 18 months ago.
I also hoped to become more COMPLETE in my character, full of perseverance and endurance.
But I don’t feel complete. I don’t feel fulfilled. I don’t feel mature. I feel aimless and lacking in lots of areas.
I haven’t set big goals for 2022 because I have NO CLUE what this year will bring. We see a lot of things that could happen, some that we hope will happen, but what will actually happen? Literally, only heaven knows.
For someone with an achiever mindset like me, having no goals or drive is unsettling. Thankfully, God knows how to deliver messages of encouragement and direction at the exact moment we need them.
(Why do I continue to be surprised by this?)
A modern message from an ancient prophet
I have been in a deep study of my favorite prophet, Elijah. (Is it weird to have a favorite biblical prophet?) The story begins in 1 Kings 17, when a mountain man named Elijah enters the court of King Ahab, the pagan ruler of Israel, declaring that God had told him there would be no rain until God spoke the words. Then Elijah, obedient to God’s commands, high tails it into hiding and spends the next few years moving throughout the wilderness and the kingdom of Israel. The pinnacle of Elijah’s story is when he calls down the actual fire of God to show up King Ahab’s god, Baal, at Mount Carmel.
Fire from heaven aside, the reason Elijah inspires me is that so much of his life was spent waiting. God didn’t lead him from one great revelation or task to another. God made Elijah wait. For years. With creepy black ravens bringing him food. And later, God encouraged him to just eat and take a nap to be ready for his next grand adventure. I’m simplifying a lot here, but the point is that Elijah didn’t get to Mount Carmel on his own, or in a timely manner, or in a way that made any earthy sense. Elijah waited on God, understanding that choosing to just be still wasn’t a waste of time. In the stillness, God prepared and strengthened Elijah for what God could see, but Elijah couldn’t.
I had to ask myself: What have I learned in these four years we've been on this adoption journey? How have my perspectives shifted? How have I changed?
I still firmly believe God has called us to grow our family through adoption. If I didn’t have this conviction, I would have given up a long time ago! We have two healthy, incredible children. We’re happy with our family of four. Nothing is “missing” necessarily; I don’t feel an empty hole that I’m trying to fill with a baby – I’ve felt that hole before, and this isn’t it. I can’t explain why, I just know without a doubt this is something God is asking us to do. The why’s and the how’s are still a complete mystery, but I know we are obediently following God’s calling for our family.
I’ve been constantly unsettled, off-balance, and redirected over the past few years. In reading Elijah’s story, it’s clear that God intentionally uses these times of unsettling to do some real heart work in His people. Each time I’m rattled, disappointed, frustrated to the point of giving up, I can feel God reaching out to put me back on my feet, point me in the right direction, and teach me something new. My heart softens, my focus shifts closer to where He wants it to be, and my tight-fisted grasp on control loosens a bit.
One specific example of this resettling is the way God has reframed my idea of adoption. In this time of waiting, God hasn’t necessarily been giving me what I WANT – a baby ASAP – but He has been giving me what I NEED – softening my heart to love and respect first mamas, understanding that the child He has planned for our family may not be the one I beg for, along with a strong dose of humility. Relying on God to know the difference between want and need is really building and stretching my faith muscles.
All of this heart work in the waiting
revealed my word for 2022:
Be still and trust that I am exactly where God wants me to be. I want to rush through this season, to simply cross the finish line. But really, I don’t even know where that finish line is, and I don’t know what it will look like on the other side. How will I even know I’ve arrived?
Be still and listen to what He’s teaching me, and appreciate how God is working in and for my family. I don’t understand this place of waiting, and honestly, I don’t like it. But I trust that God is preparing me for what is coming, what He can see but I cannot.
Be still and rest in His peace. Stillness isn’t wasted time; it’s an opportunity to gain strength and perspective without worrying about what lies ahead. I’m also very thankful my stillness doesn’t include bread delivered by ravens.
Be still and find joy! I’ve spent so much time waiting, wondering, hesitating to plan anything “just in case”. I regret to say I have wallowed in sadness and self-pity at the expense of my kids and husband, and sometimes my physical and emotional health. But God doesn’t want me to be miserable while I wait! My joy is in Him, in my incredible family & friends, in a career I love, in the beautiful world around me. I can’t allow my joy to depend on my achievements or this adoption. My wallowing won’t make it happen any faster!
Just be still. Instead of racing down a path chosen at random – instead of jumping off the path I’m on because it doesn’t look right or isn’t fast enough for me – I am choosing to be still, trusting that the path I’m on is the one that will make our faith bloom while we wait.
If you’re looking for an incredible bible study for yourself or a group, I highly recommend Elijah: Faith and Fire by Priscilla Shirer.
