The idea of an open adoption used to terrify me.
When people outside of the adoption community hear this term, they often think of a situation like co-parenting where different sets of parents collaborate on making decisions and raising a child. It brings up all sorts of questions and fears and uncertainties about what life will look like with an open adoption:
Will I have someone looking over my shoulder all the time, critiquing my every move as a mom?
(I do that just fine on my own, thank you very much.)
Will I be committed to always running decisions by a third party?
What if the birth mom became pushy and came around all the time?
Scariest of all: What if my adopted child likes his/her birth mom better than me?
With all of these fears, why would we choose to have an open adoption? Well, like most things that scare us, they only seem scary because they are unknown. Living in “what if” land is a dangerous, paralyzing place to be in just about any situation! And since my Word of the Year is FEARLESS, I’m climbing this particular mountain without looking back.
Our experiences in foster care totally changed our perspective about open adoptions,
and showed us the gift that a relationship with a birth family can be.
As we worked on getting certified to become foster parents, our intention was always “foster to adopt”, meaning we would only see children once their birth parents’ rights had been terminated and they were legally adoptable. During our classes we only halfway listened to the advice on working with biological families, as we had no intention of getting to know the ones who didn’t care enough about their children to get their lives together.
Did you catch the holier-than-thou judgement in that statement? Yikes. It makes me cringe to remember our attitudes back then. My only explanation is that we were naive, inexperienced, and ignorant. One of the biggest life lessons I learned as a foster parent is that a mother’s love for her children is not dictated by her circumstances. In the ten months our sweet twin boys were in our home, we built a relationship with their mother based on our shared love for the babies. We learned her story bit by bit and found small ways to support and encourage her. Sharing pictures and videos with her was lots of fun: after all, who else would get excited about watching a baby goo and ga and drool for five minutes besides the one who gave him life?! We discovered this open relationship was not scary. It was a gift to us all.
It looked like an adoption plan for the twins was a strong possibility (with the support of their birth mom). But it was not to be: God had a bigger plan to connect the twins, our family, the family of their biological uncle. That decision making process is a story for another day, but the point is that after ten months, these sweet babies were no longer “mine”. (Hard truth: they were never really mine to begin with.)
Our experiences in foster care have also given me a smidgen of understanding
of the other side of an open adoption: the mom who isn't "mom" anymore.
The boys’ forever family has graciously invited us to continue to be part of their lives. We have gotten together a few times in the past year, celebrated Christmas and birthdays, and recently we took a trip to the zoo just because. Through texts, photos, and social media, we get to know that the boys are healthy, happy, and most of all, loved. The twins will know us as they grow up; they will know we love them and will know the important role we played early in their lives. By inviting us to continue this relationship, they are honoring the connection we developed as we loved and cared for them as infants. That we genuinely enjoy being with their family is a bonus! I am incredibly thankful for this continued connection: it is a gift that did not have to be given.
This lens has given me a teeny, tiny glimpse into the perspective of an expectant mother who is choosing adoption for her baby, but wants to remain connected to her baby and her baby’s forever family. Although I am no longer “mom” to the twins, it will never erase the connections formed when I was “mom” to them. When we adopt, I will get to be a baby’s “forever mom”, but it will never erase the connections created with the people who loved him/her before I held him/her in arms. An open adoption is about honoring a courageous mother who loves her baby so deeply that she is willing to give a part of her heart away in order for her child to have a better life than her current circumstances would allow. An open adoption isn’t about co-parenting: it’s about joining hands to love a child unconditionally.
That's not scary. It's a beautiful gift.
Our ideas about an open adoption are evolving with each potential match we see, and for now they are just ideas. I cannot predict what our relationship with our baby’s birth family will look like, but I do know that God has grown our hearts to want to maintain a connection with our baby’s birth family. I cannot wait for that first phone call that launches a new relationship between two mamas who will love the same baby without reservations. After all, there can never be too many people to love a baby!
First, I want to say kudos to you and your family for being so selfless and caring to extend your home and love to children who need that support. My 9-year-old just asked me today why someone would give up their child. This article beautifully addresses the open-sided and less narrow-minded reality that some people are a victim of their circumstances and they love their child enough to be willing to place them with someone that can provide them a better life than what they’re capable of doing themselves. Thanks for sharing!
Thanks, Tasia! It’s been a learning & growing process, and the biggest lesson is to love without judgement. We’re all in need of recovery on some level!
Thank you for sharing this part of your life! I never fully understood the term “full adoption” until reading your post! I appreciate you delving into your initial thoughts and feelings around this idea. It really helps the reader reflect on what love really means for any mother – a love than transcends.
Thanks, Shelby! It’s been beautiful to realize how many different, unexpected forms love can take.
Thank you for your beautiful writing! What a beautiful reminder that “they are truly not our own”! I have walked alongside of foster families like yours, and there is a beauty and depth of love that radiates. The choice to love is powerful! I love how God is carefully molding your heart for the sweet ones you will one day call your own – and the mama that is never shut out. Thank you for sharing!
Beautiful story and so glad you opened your heart to the birth to understand why she did what she did for those babies. By doing that, it made it possible for you to still be in their lives now with them being back with their birth family. You were truly a blessing to those babies and they will never forget you.
What a beautiful story and so inspiring! As someone who is hoping to adopt someday I will definitely consider open adoption.